Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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