we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
