you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
