dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
We need to rekindle our bromance
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
