theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
