I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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