From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
