I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
