My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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