I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
being pregnant is like rehab
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
