I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
