I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
