We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize