I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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