The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
