Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
