apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
did you just send me my own nude
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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