Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
