I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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