I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
