He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just found a bag of teeth...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
