Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
