my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
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We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
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I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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