Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
