i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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