my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
