And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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