I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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