Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
