I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i think i just lost a toe
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
