i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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