Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
