Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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