i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
