I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
