Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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