My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
