i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
