you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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