Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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