I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
