Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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