sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
