I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
