The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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