I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
