I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
