Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
