is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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