Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
