I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
