I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
