I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
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