apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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